Do you want to contribute unreasonably large sums of money to a political campaign? Do you have a vested monetary interest in who wins a senatorial or even presidential race? Do you want your ulterior motives behind controlling election outcomes to remain a secret? Well you have come to the right place! After hours of research and whole days spent reading up on the economics of politics, I can show you just how easy it is to avoid government regulation on campaign spending.
But before we get to that, let’s look at how the Supreme Court (that’s the big one) is promoting your money’s right to free speech! According to Garrett Epps in his article on The Atlantic, “In McCutcheon v. FEC , the Supreme Court finds that those whose lack of money stifles their voices are simply losers in a fair democratic system.” Thank goodness! The rich just dodged a bullet with a 5-4 vote for McCutcheon, leaving eager donors like you with nearly unlimited spending power. Thanks to the guy to the right, there is now a judicial precedent to influence future cases regarding campaign funding restrictions. In McCutcheon v. FEC, the notion of aggregate limits (the limit of money that one person could donate to all candidates combined during an election cycle) was struck down by my man Chief Rob and four other Justices. Roberts noted in his plurality opinion that Congress cannot “regulate contributions simply to reduce the amount of money in politics, or to restrict the political participation of some in order to enhance the relative influence of others.” In other words, our buddy in SCOTUS is saying that the government cannot limit free speech of some to ‘level the playing field’. Now that we know that the Supreme Court is successfully fighting for our money’s right to free speech, let’s broaden our view and look at how each and every member of the 1% can easily and efficiently buy into the world of politics.
PACs, Super PACs, Leadership PACs; I am sure that you’ve heard of them, but do you know what they can do for you? A political action committee (PAC) is basically an extra bank account for candidates. The best part is: no campaign donation limits of any kind apply to these PACs so get your wallets out and get ready to spend! There is just one problem: some citizens are a little skeptical of PACs and Super PACs.
But no worries my good friends! According to the Supreme Court decisions and written opinions in the last couple of years, the opinion of the majority of the citizens does not matter when it comes to this issue. In his written opinion, Roberts argued that “if the First Amendment protects flag burning, funeral protests, and Nazi parades—despite the profound offense such spectacles cause—it surely protects political campaign speech despite popular opposition.” Even though free speech for money is popularly opposed, the Supreme Court still protects the fat cats and corporate big shots.
Anyways, let’s get back to the topic of PACs. Most candidates (the ones that want to win) have PACs and/or Super PACs which allows them to collect as much money as they can. The rule that prohibits communication also distances the candidates from negative campaign strategies that their PACs decide to run. Thankfully, there are no drawbacks for deep pocketed donors when it comes to PACs so no need to fret my friends! You can donate anything from $1 to $1 billion to a Super PAC and no one even has to know that it was you. If you have some motives that could be controversial when the public finds out, just donate anonymously!
Finally, if you are the big cheese at a corporate hedge fund, you even have an extra perk in the system. In Citizens United v. FEC, “the majority maintained that political speech is indispensable to a democracy, which is no less true because the speech comes from a corporation.” It’s like our representatives are being paid by… oh wait they are. This just keeps getting better! Now listen carefully everyone, because I have just invented a new system for total political domination. Step one: get rich. Even if “money can’t buy happiness,” it damn well can buy politicians. Step two: buy into politics one politician at a time. Start in district elections, state elections, then national elections. Once you have worked your way up to the owning the president, create your personal military corporation (but we will save that for another article). I wish you the best of luck in achieving world domination. My rate for further consultation is $300 per hour (I am trying to get rich too ya know).
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